Every Man’s Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker

April 27, 2011 by Chris French

           What kind of person would it take for you to be willing to throw away your desires, or at least put them on the backburner, and make your life’s goal to help that person meet their goals? That’s the picture of the Old Testament bondservant. A Hebrew would have incurred debt to such an extent that he couldn’t pay so he would be sold on the auction block and the money given to his debtors. Whoever bought the man had him for six years, on the seventh year the master must let the slave go free. That is, unless the slave wants to remain with the master. This happened enough that there was a policy regarding it divinely mandated by God (Ex. 21.1-6). The master was to take the slave to his doorpost and pierce his ear, thus making the person his slave for life by the slave’s own choice. So I ask you again, “What kind of person would it take for you to do what the Old Testament bondservant did?


 Arterburn and Stoeker say if you’re married you’ve already picked that person. It’s your wife. That doesn’t sit well with most men. We are after all the leaders. God said so! I don’t know if you’ve looked at any leaders in the Bible or not, but those guys were servant leaders. As a matter of fact Jesus Himself, the greatest leader ever, said He came to SERVE! (Matthew 20.28) Your role as the leader of the family, the spiritual compass of the family is to submit to your wife. I don’t have to submit to her in everything, but I need to relinquish my role as Chief Tie-Breaker. Have you ever noticed this mantle on your shoulders? You want to do something, she wants to do something else. It’s a tie! Luckily for you you’re the head of the household so you get an extra vote…right? WRONG!  I need to place her desires on a level with my own. This is a concept you’re familiar with probably. Arterburn and Stoeker call it “oneness”, but the Bible calls it unity.  Every time I choose myself over my wife I trample her. Obviously this causes a separation, especially when I trample something that is at her very core.

                I highly recommend this book! I think it literally changed my life. I’ve never looked at my role in marriage as a bondservant before, but it makes a lot of sense. You’ll get helpful hints on how to transform yourself into a bondservant. In fact these take up most of the book. They devote a chapter to each hint with heartbreaking stories to convey to you the urgency of the change that needs to take place. You’ll also find some LOVE CHILLERS and a better definition and reasoning of oneness than you’ve read here. You’ll read about how to lead your family spiritually and that’s it is hard for your wife to submit to you sexually without oneness in your marriage. We all need better marriages and I believe this book will help you onto the path to a great marriage!


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